My entire life I tried so hard to seem like I had everything under control: I did my homework, got good grades and was rewarded with a good job. It all seemed very normal. But I paid a huge price for my seeming normality: I destroyed my brain with stress.
Why? Well, I am not “normal”. I am actually autistic and ADHD. But I only realised this when the damage was done.
Unfortunately, what happened to me is the normal trajectory for many late diagnosed adults. Which is why I have made it my life’s work to help others with autism and ADHD avoid debilitating burnout.
The mask is slipping
I used to have very different life goals: mainly being a successful adult with a career. Before I had children, I was doing ok. I studied at university while maintaining a part time job on the side.
But if I had looked closely, the mask was slipping even then. I often had to take one day off work or studies because I felt like I was coming down with the flu. Except I didn’t have a fever, and I usually felt fine after a day of rest. I would say yes to plenty of party invitations, community work and friends – and then cancel on the day of, because I was too exhausted to go.
But that is normal, right?
No more playing pretend
When I had my first child, I could no longer pretend like everything was fine. Babies destroy your routines, and you get zero breaks. I slept very little in the first few months. Not just because of my son’s night time crying. The main reason was my brain being on high alert 24/7.
After four months, I lost it. I got postpartum depression and needed help. My partner took leave of absence from his work and stayed at home with me and our baby. This was the first time I truly felt like I could not cope as well as other people.
Just keep trying
However, I was determined to keep trying. Despite my postpartum depression I began writing my final dissertation when my son was 9 months old.
I managed to graduate from university, and six months later I landed a job as a consultant in disability services.
All work and no play
Doing my best at work was really important to me. So important that I invested all my energy in the workplace and had none left when I got home. Despite being exhausted, I took care of the kids, cooked and cleaned. And that was it. I almost never saw my friends or did anything other than work or home duties. But that is pretty normal for parents of small children – right?
Depression and anxiety is normal – right?
During these years I had several run ins with poor mental health. I had a few shorter periods with sick leave due to stress, and a second bout of postpartum depression with my second child. I also raked in a generalised anxiety diagnosis. But that is pretty normal, right?
The apple does not fall far from the tree
My eldest child began showing signs of struggling when he started school. The signs pointed to autism, and I could recognise my childhood self in my son. I struggled with the social aspects and the overwhelming sensory environment in school, just like he did.
But there is no way I could be autistic, right?
While suspecting autism for myself, I kept second guessing myself: My adult self was pretty good at the social stuff, and I was too successful to be autistic, too extroverted, right?
On the one hand, I figured I was too “normal” to be autistic. On the other hand I could recognise myself to an excruciating degree when I read articles written by other autistic writers online. They described episodes of stress, meltdowns, sensory overload and the ensuing need to isolate and recuperate. And most importantly: how extremely energy consuming being social is. It was like looking in a mirror.
And then the house came down
Despite my best efforts, my life came tumbling down in 2018, and I became too sick with stress and burnout to function, losing my job. Many factors came together at once. I had spent way more energy than I had available for decades, and both my children were struggling. It felt like a house collapsing: I was so ill I struggled to do even the most basic things. I needed answers: I pursued an autism diagnosis and got it, along with ADHD.
Burnout: chronic cognitive damage
This collapse happened six years ago. Unfortunately the cognitive harm from many years of stress is irrevocable. My functioning level now is very far from what it was before. In other words: I have suffered chronic cognitive damage from burnout. .
My cognition used to be the vehicle that got me through life. But now it is damaged. It is a bit like having a flashy Ferrari – with only the first and second gear.
I might look normal – but I am quite disabled by the cognitive damage I have suffered. As a consequence I can only manage a few hours of work a week, and I struggle to keep up with the many tasks required of me in my daily life.
I am not normal – unfortunately, my story is
Unfortunately, my story is far from unique when it comes to adults who get their diagnosis later in life. When I was a child, getting an autism or an ADHD diagnosis was exceedingly rare. The message from society was clear: pick yourself up by your bootstraps and pretend to be normal. And that is what we did. Until the house came down on us.
The number of people receiving a diagnosis of autism and/or ADHD is rising rapidly. I personally do not think it is because there are suddenly more of us than before. Rather, I believe it is because more and more of us recognise ourselves in our children. We realise that we are not failing at being “normal”. We are just normal autistic and/or ADHD people who struggle to meet neurotypical standards.
My story is far from unique. Many adults receive an autism and/or ADHD diagnosis because they crumble under the stress and experience devastating burnout in an effort to meet societal demands.
It doesn’t have to be this way. If I had known that I am more susceptible to stress than most people, I would have made different choices and taken better care of myself along the way.
