“Sure, I am sensitive and socialising makes me exhausted. But how can I be autistic?”.

Has life always felt difficult without you being able to put your finger on why? Do social situations exhaust you? Does wearing a shirt with an itchy tag drive you up the wall? Then you might autistic.

If you have ever considered autism, but have shied away from the idea because you do not recognize yourself in the diagnostic criteria – then read on.

In this text, I describe how autism can be experienced from the inside – as an adult.

Disclaimer: This text is not a diagnostic manual. The purpose of the text is providing a description of how autism can be experienced when you are an adult. If you recognise much of yourself in this text, it points to autism being a possible explanation. But only an actual professional can give you an official diagnosis.

An autism diagnosis late in life brought peace and self-acceptance

I got my diagnosis of autism with ADHD late in life. At the beginning of my journey towards a diagnosis, I thought I was “too good at socialising” to actually be autistic. But it turned out that I was just masking all the time, using energy I did not have to put on an act in every social situation.

Since my late diagnosis in 2018 I have guided lot of adults toward an autism diagnosis. Most have a long history of stress, anxiety, depression and misdiagnosis. An autism diagnosis (often with ADHD on the side) has given them an explanation and, not least, a feeling of self-acceptance. That is a huge gift, as many people who are misdiagnosed feel fundamentally “wrong” prior to their diagnosis.

Diagnosis is an important tool

If you recognize much of yourself in this text, it can be a good idea to seek a diagnosis if it is possible for you. Too many people who are diagnosed late in life become seriously ill with various mental illnesses because they push themselves too hard in an attempt to cope with life’s many demands. Having tools and insight can make it possible to take better care of yourself before the house of cards collapses.

Autism can look completely different from person to person

There are many different theories about what the “core” of autism is. This text cannot give a definitive answer. In many ways, “autism” is an umbrella term that can be used to describe very different people.

In this text, I try to describe what autism can look like in adults without cognitive impairments – people who were not identified as autistic as children and adolescents.

It is important to remember that autism can look very different from person to person. Some autistic people fit society’s typical perceptions of autistic people very well: introverted, awkward in social situations and with a passion for trains. Other autistic people are outgoing, love to dance and are very interested in psychology.

Super sensitive – a superpower or a curse?

“The Princess and the Pea” is one of Hans Christian Andersen’s famous fairy tales. And perhaps it is about an autistic person? Many autistic people have super-sensitive senses that mimic those of the Princess.

Maybe you cannot literally feel a pea through 100 mattresses. But what about the itchy tag on the back of your shirt? And how do you feel about socks?

Many autistic people have a different sensory profile. That is, they often sense things much more strongly than neurotypicals. You can be hypersensitive in all five senses.

• Sense of touch: Many autistic people cannot stand the feel of clothing: maybe it is too tight, the fabric feels wrong, etc. Textures of food can also be a challenge.
• Vision: Many autistic people struggle with bright lights, fluorescent lights or intense visual stimuli, like those found in a shopping mall.
• Hearing: Many autistic people struggle with loud, sudden noises, repetitive sounds such as a dripping faucet, beeping alarms, sniffles or eating sounds.
• Taste: Many autistic people end up with a restrictive diet because food can be an overwhelming sensory experience.
• Sense of smell: Many autistic people are bothered by the smell of perfume, other people’s body odours and strong smelling food.

You cannot turn off your senses

Autistic people cannot just “turn off” a sensory input like many neurotypicals can. Instead, the annoying sensory input just increases in intensity until it drives you nuts. Too much overstimulation is one of the things that can cause autistic people to have meltdowns.

Sensory overload is exhausting

For some autistic people, sensory sensitivity can be more disabling than their social differences. Sounds, smells, touch and sight are so intense that they exhaust autistic people when they are out in the world.Not having control over sensory input often has a big impact on how negatively a sensory impression is experienced.

If you are particularly sensitive, if you prefer using a baseball cap and sunglasses, and if you wish you could wear pajamas everywhere – it might possibly be autistic traits.

Autistic thinking – with a twist

Most autistic people have felt different growing up. Perhaps identifying with an alien, a witch or a misunderstood superhero. But why? Autistic thinking is fundamentally different to neurotypical thinking.

Is your brain constantly overloaded?

Does it feel like your brain never switches off? Then it could be a sign of autism. A 2013 study found that autistic children’s brains produce 42% more information in a resting state compared to non-autistic brains. With so many thoughts, many autistic people have a rich inner life. This can be a wonderful thing, but it makes turning off your thoughts at night much harder. .
De mange tanker gør, at mange autister har et rigt, indre liv.
Det er både godt og skidt, for selvom det er rart, kan det også være svært at slukke for tankerne, f.eks. når man skal sove.

Deep thinkers become experts

Intense brain activity might be one of the reasons many autistic people have what is called special interests.

Autistic brains have a distinct preference for diving deeply into specific areas of knowledge. However, the subjects of those deep dives can be extremely diverse. It can be anything from the Lord of the Rings universe, dance as a sociological phenomenon, Korean bands, insects and pretty much anything else you can think of.

The basic commonality is deep expert knowledge in a relatively narrow field. Immersing yourself in a special interest is very calming and satisfying for autistic people.

Autistic thinking: Forest trails, not highways

You can liken neurotypical thinking patterns to highways. In contrast, autistic thinking is much more like a network of forest trails. It’s true that neurotypical thinkers often arrive at a result faster – but there is a lot they might miss along the way. They are less likely to discover new things because they stick to the beaten path. Inversely, autistic people often dismiss established knowledge and forge their own path, preferring to be explorers in their areas of special interest.

As a consequence, autistic people are often unconventional in their approach to processing and disseminating knowledge. They might invent a new language just for fun. Or make detailed drawings of scientifically correct dinosaurs.

Inflexible or overwhelmed?

Autistic people are known to be inflexible. I am too: I eat the same food every day, I alternate between the same 4 outfits, and I struggle to cope if there are sudden changes in the day’s plans.

To a neurotypical observer, I am inflexible. But from my perspective, I allocate a lot of my flexibility toward coping with a world that I experience much more intensely than most. I have more thoughts, sensory impressions are more intense, and socialising requires much more brain energy. Being “inflexible” is actually my way of being efficient in managing my limited resources.

If you prefer to think deeply about things, have very deep interests, have a lot of thoughts that are hard to shut down, and you prefer predictability in everyday life – it might possibly be autistic traits.

Social interaction is hard and takes a lot of effort

Difficulties in social reciprocity (interaction and communication) is at the heart of the diagnostic criteria for autism. However, I have chosen to highlight this later on in this text. The reason being that it is important to explain why socialisation goes awry – especially when it is between neurotypicals and autistics.

Being left out and bullied is a common experience for autistic people

As a child, I had a distinct feeling of being on the outside looking in at the other kids. I didn’t understand their social interactions. I wanted to join in, but every time I tried to make contact, I was either ignored or bullied. I was just too weird.

I like to joke that autism is an invisible disability – but not invisible to my classmates who bullied me.

The point of the joke is that autistic people cannot help but stand out and be perceived as odd, no matter how desperately they try to fit in. As a kid, I talked like a professor, and I did not understand social norms or why they were important. At the time, I did not have the tools to understand why socialising was difficult for me – but I do now.

An overheated brain has less energy to deal with social interactions

There is a constant overload of information in autistic brains – and this means that social information gets drowned out by everything else. As I mentioned above, autistic brains generate 42% more information in resting state. At the same time, they take in much more sensory information compared to neurotypical brains.

It is no wonder then, that we have less cognitive energy to process social data amidst all the other data. Especially when you consider that this overload has been there from day 1 – we have experienced an intense bombardment of data all of our lives.

Social data is overwhelming

Social data is complex and sensory overwhelming. And often it is also uncomfortable. Many autistic people have experienced scolding, bullying and social exclusion from a very young age. Withdrawing from social situations becomes an unconscious survival strategy for many. For others, masking (pretending to be “normal”) becomes the way to survive.

Two survival strategies: withdrawing or masking

Put very simply, autistic people typically use one of two survival strategies: withdrawing from social interactions or masking to be accepted. It’s often, but not always, gendered. Boys or people assigned male at birth tend to favour the first strategy, while many girls or people assigned female at birth tend to use masking.

It tends to be easier to identify autism in those who withdraw from social interactions: They are more likely to show classical signs of autism such as being introverted and overtly struggling with social interactions, even as adults.
This type of autistic person is at greater risk of loneliness and intense social isolation. On the other hand, they are less likely to experience the type of burnout that masking autistics experience.

Autistic people who use masking as a survival strategy are often harder to spot, because they can mimic neurotypical behaviour to a certain extent. However, behind the facade of normalcy they often struggle with anxiety, depression and a sense of being an “empty shell”. They often experience intense exhaustion after social interaction.

Social challenges and masking caused anxiety and depression

I used masking to survive. As a teenager and young adult, I sought out subcultures in an attempt at finding a place where I could be myself and be accepted. However, I never really succeeded. Later on, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety because I was struggling without understanding why. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with autism that I got an explanation for why I was good at socialising – on the surface – but was so exhausted after school and work that I crashed with exhaustion.

If you have always felt different, if you experienced bullying and social exclusion as a child, adolescent and adult, if you find socialising exhausting today and you use social withdrawal and/or masking to survive – it might possibly be autistic traits.

Executive function: when you cannot “just” do the dishes

If you have not been to the dentist in four years, if there is old food in the back of the fridge and the dishes are piling up, it is not because you are a bad person. You might just be autistic and/or ADHDer.

The many demands and tasks of adult life are big a challenge for adults with autism and ADHD. Neurotypical brains have “highways” when it comes to all the many tasks and routines: Their brains automate most tasks. The ability to consistently manage the many demands and tasks of life is called executive function. But many autistic and ADHD people struggle with automation of everyday actions. Actions that require almost no cognitive effort for neurotypical people can cost a lot of mental energy for people with autism and/or ADHD. When every task is taxing, you have less energy overall to manage it all – and more often than not autistic and/or ADHD people cannot manage all that is expected of them.

As an undiagnosed adult, not getting everything done that is expected of you often makes you feel like a failure or too lazy. But it is actually quite normal for autistic and ADHD people – and it’s okay to ask for help.

If you find that doing the dishes, cooking, keeping track of appointments and everything else is an insurmountable task and you are always behind schedule, these could be possible signs of autism and ADHD.

Undetected autism can cause major mental health challenges

If you have never experienced the many difficulties that stem from growing up not knowing you are autistic, it can be hard to understand why an autism diagnosis is so important. Many people question why my friends and I seek out a potentially stigmatising diagnosis.

They fail to see how difficult and devastating it is to feel wrong your whole life without understanding why. They do not understand the price we have to pay to fit in.

I have spent my whole life spending three times as much energy as everyone else to appear “normal”. I have pretended to be a completely different person – just to be accepted.

Striving to be normal has not been without costs. Like so many other undiagnosed autistic people, I have a long list of mental health issues as a consequence of my lack of self-understanding. Personally, I have experienced depression, anxiety and chronic burnout. Other common mental health issues for late diagnosed autistic people are eating disorders, addictions, suicidal ideation, psychotic episodes and self-harm.

Earlier diagnosis and proper support in all stages of life are needed if we want to avoid autistic people getting sick from trying to fit in.

In conclusion: If you recognize yourself – remember that it is okay to be yourself – and to be autistic.